Tribe Magazine – Issue 13 July/August 2000
A licence to be your own Guru, Saint,
God – Goddess, Avatar or Deity.
I have learnt something over the years of my spiritual searching that I would like to share with our tribe. This something is completely obvious and removes the need to place a hierarchy in love.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was a young boy I was always intrigued with existence and the meaning of life. I would consider my existence continuously and how I related and the point of everything that happened to me and about me. I could see a pattern to everything that I could not explain, although I knew it was there.
I would hang with my friends and we would discuss all these possibilities coming up with theories about everything. I had a sense that I did not have much time to be here on the planet and that I should not waste a minute or a word. So I would watch everything.
I was obsessed with the idea that everything was being intimately recorded by someone somewhere and that it may be all played back again sometime. I would watch everything for hours on end. When in social situations I would apply this same way of living.
I gained many insights by understanding the ways of animals. The way the people behaved baffled me at times although I had to assume that there was good intention in everything.
When I was a teenager I was trapped in the idea of having a career although that word meant ‘out of control’ to me. I traveled to central Asia to work for a relative as a navigator on a ship. It was interesting to have that adventure although I was very homesick considering the distance I was away from ‘home’ at the time without a return ticket.
A great depression took me and I considered suicide whilst pondering my fate. One night I laid my final plans. I reached the depth of my own self hate and was relieved when an entity appeared in the room everywhere lighting the place with peace, serenity and bliss stating that I was ‘extremely important’.
My outlook changed dramatically. I knew I could not deny that authority whatever it was… it was a manifestation of Great Spirit or God/dess that had appeared to tell me that message… my life changed.
The very next day my mother phoned and rescued me with an air ticket home.
I knew then that the spiritual path that I had pursued as a child was always ever present. It was a matter of perspective. We always find evidence in our lives for what we deem to be most important. We always get what we pray for. At my time of greatest need, I was given reassurance of my importance for being here and I got what I needed for the change in my life.
This was the rediscovery of something wonderful about myself and all selves on this wonderful planet.
Over the next few years I realised through the use of meditation, and the ritual use of mind expanding plants I could attain the awareness of the spaces that I had lived naturally as a child.
I later understood that I could attain these spaces with or without the use of mind expanding plants. I did this through intensive meditation and self discipline. It was then that I discovered that I had a guide.
My guide at this time in my life was a female. She appeared during my meditations and in some instances in human form to relate things to me about my origins and my connection to spirit. I was not unique or gifted. We all have ways of reaching the same nirvana spaces… the only difference is the way that we get there.
We worked together for a number of months. She taught me all that I was able to understand at this point in my life. After 9 months she left and I was returned to ‘normal’ states of awareness although I could step in and out of the other spaces by choice.
Over the following years I was always searching for the intense reconnection with the heightened state of awareness and understanding of reality that was apparent in the everyday.
I went back to the use of mind expanding plants again and became addicted to marijuana self medicating against the experience of the work that I was doing at the time. I was a software engineer writing artificial intelligence on a busy work schedule for a corporate beast. So I did not see much light of the sun. This gradually ate at my soul.
Luckily I was allowed during the peak intensity of the work to be able to contact entities that showed me more parts of my self and the importance of being human.
I felt drawn intuitively to another mind expanding drug which is derived from vines and trees. I knew a lot about it from the reading that I had done as it was something that I was interested in experiencing. I knew that it would hold more keys to understanding of myself and my life purpose.
I smoked the substance in a ritual manner as I had the utmost respect for what experiences that would result from its use.
During my initial encounters with the entities in the substance I smoked only a little and they taught me the way to smoke and began to ‘speak’ clearly to me as I was using the substance. They taught me the importance of the communication that is available when you are inside their space. A language based solely on love.
Over a period of months they led me through several shamanic initiations culminating in two that I will explain here.
The classic shamanic experience of being dismembered and reassembled happened during the peak stress intensity of the computer work that I was doing.
I smoked and was instantly ‘wheeled into an operating theatre where I was casually torn apart in a comical manner by several attending entities whom had comic surgeon like appearances, which then proceeded to reassemble me with new shiny parts’.
Upon re-entry I knew that something was wrong with the work that I was doing. The entities always told me that I should not be doing it although I was ignoring their warnings like I had to learn some extreme lesson.
Another experience told me the truth of this. I smoked and entered the space. Only this time I realised the exact nature of the space.
The space was the underside of ‘our space’. They construct ‘our space’ from our beliefs continuously and are what everything is made from. Suddenly the depth of the Australian Aboriginal understanding of the creative ancestors really hit home.
I had been diving into the ‘ecology of souls’ that Terence McKenna had mentioned in his books1 and this ecology is what substance reality is made from. All dreams coincide continuously to create reality. The synchronicity of Dreamtime has never really ended!
Things only then got more strange and wonderful.
We were communicating in the only valid communication here, Love. All types of love is talked about continuously with openness and complete understanding. I was then prompted with the idea that I knew something that I should relate to the entities about me. It was something that I knew intimately although had never really admitted to myself.
I am God/dess! I am that I am!
All happiness broke loose with this utterance. I was crowded as if I had understood the most intimate feature of the ultimate game, being placed on the shoulders of all the other beings. I was atop the pyramid of loving understanding when everything again changed.
Led through a veil of sorts into a wonderful chasm like enormous womb. My intuition that the universe was female was confirmed. And in this womb lay enormous spheres in a tree like pattern spiralling up toward a point of fertility that was signified by a cross that was ever-changing and radiating creation.
This is the Tree of Life in all its GLORY!
I ‘flew’ past the cross into the white light and lost all identity in the clear-light forever… until I was being delivered back to now. I passed the cross and sphere tree and went on through the creative ancestor space landing back in my room.
Upon entry I said to my partner… “this is God/dess!” while grabbing at things in my room. I wanted to tell her that everything is God/dess all the time including our beings and our thoughts.
I knew that I had to change my life dramatically.
I quit my job and came to the North Coast to breathe and live in this love of creation.
The crux of everything is that I know now that we are all God/dess in God/dess experiencing everything for God/dess.
All moments, places and events are sacred.
Every thought, every word and every act is a prayer.
So watch what you pray for… God/dess will provide for you whatever you want.
Be your own God/dess.
Love and Light
Aquapan
